“Never try to reinvent or lie about your identity. Stay true to who you are.”

“Lost in Heartbreak: My Journey to Emotional Healing and Inner Peace”

While I’m heartbroken, I’ve felt truly miserable. Some days, it’s been hard just to get out of bed, cook myself meals, or even leave my small pod. I cried so much that it felt impossible to move forward. During this time, my close friend Janka, who lives in Bakersfield, CA, often checked in to see how I was doing. She kept in touch with me almost daily, making time to remind me I wasn’t alone. I deeply appreciated her efforts, but it didn’t take away the pain of knowing that Jenna, my wife, was no longer in my life.

I struggled deeply within my mind, soul, and emotions. It felt as though I had lost myself. I realized I had become so obsessed with Jenna that I forgot about my own needs, which I knew wasn’t healthy. I tried to distract myself with activities like hiking, drawing, and journaling, but nothing seemed to help. The tears kept coming, and I felt stuck, unable to escape the overwhelming sadness.

As I reflected, I noticed a pattern: I hid my emotions because I didn’t know how to express them. Growing up, my family and I never openly communicated our feelings or discussed why we felt a certain way. As a child and teenager, when I cried, I often expressed my pain through actions—hitting walls, flipping tables, shouting, or throwing objects. This behavior led others to see me as violent.

Even as an adult, I continued these patterns. I didn’t share how I truly felt and instead said things like, “I’m fine” or “It’s okay.” I was afraid of rejection and getting hurt, so I created stories to protect myself. But these actions ended up destroying friendships and relationships. When people discovered the truth, they felt betrayed. I don’t regret learning these hard lessons, but I now understand that my actions hurt those who trusted me with their hearts.

I still struggle internally, trying to figure out how to listen to my instincts, my heart, and my subconscious. I question which is real and which path I should follow. I’ve noticed that when I feel anxious or nervous, I often respond impulsively, saying things that hurt people.

Recently, I discovered that I have ADHD, which has affected my decisions and judgments more than I realized. It’s caused me to make mistakes and misunderstand situations with others. I’m grateful that I continue to see a therapist, where I’ve learned to express my thoughts and feelings openly. Therapy has helped me discuss situations at work and in my personal life, show my authentic self, and set healthy boundaries with others.

Overthinking and overreacting to situations leave me feeling emotionally drained. It’s exhausting to work through these struggles, but I’m determined to reconnect with my mind, emotions, and soul. My hope is to find inner peace and believe in myself again.