Today, I woke up unsure of what to do. I thought about visiting Oyster Bay Regional Park to honor my beloved dog, Mia, who has passed, but something inside me urged me to write. So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, gazing through my big window, taking in the beauty of the world outside.

As I reflect, I realize that writing is my space—a place where I can express my emotions freely. This is where I learn to deal with and embrace my experiences. The more I write, the more I feel comfortable in my own presence. In many ways, I am learning to date myself, to appreciate and enjoy my solitude, something I never valued before. I now see how important it is to know myself, something I wish I had understood earlier in life.

For years, I ignored my emotions, convincing myself that everything was okay when, in reality, it was not. Growing up, I was often left in the care of maids and drivers. I never truly appreciated them, nor did I realize how much their presence shaped my childhood. Communication within my family was limited, and despite my mother knowing sign language, she was always busy providing for me and my brother. She made sure we had a home, food, clothes, and family trips, but emotional connection was missing. My father left when I was around three or four years old, and although he appeared sporadically in my life, by the time I was ten, he had moved on to another family.

For the longest time, I thought my childhood was perfect. But when I entered college, I began noticing that things were not quite right. The biggest wound came when I realized that my mother did not accept me for who I am—queer. This led to countless arguments, and I found myself rebelling, frustrated and fearful of her strict rules. Punishments came without explanations, and transparency in communication was nonexistent. She controlled the conversations, leaving me with no space to express myself. As a result, I picked up unhealthy habits—anger outbursts, suppressing my emotions, disregarding the feelings of others, and worst of all, lying to protect myself.

Looking back now, I see how these behaviors shaped me. The biggest regret I carry is how I allowed my dishonesty to destroy my marriage with Jenna. I didn’t realize then how much my actions affected both of us. I wish I had been honest—with others and, most importantly, with myself. But I refuse to let regret define me. Instead, I am choosing to accept the reality of my mistakes and take accountability for them.

I have begun cleaning up the mess I made. I have reached out to those I hurt, offering my apologies, though I know healing takes time. Some conversations still need to happen, but I am allowing myself the space to reanalyze and refresh my mind before I approach them. Since Jenna and I separated last year, I have been walking through the crossroads of life, facing the ups and downs that come with self-discovery and growth.

One of the most valuable decisions I have made is continuing therapy. Therapy has helped me acknowledge my emotions and recognize patterns in my behavior. It has allowed me to dig deep into my past, unraveling the roots that shaped me into who I am today. Through this process, I have also begun to appreciate the people who genuinely care about me—those who stand by me emotionally and support my journey.

In communication, I was not a great communicator until I discovered I have ADHD. So now, I am learning more about how to be a good communicator with honesty and how to remember what I am supposed to say and what I want to say. I do this by writing down notes and creating checklists, which help me stay focused and present in conversations.

For the first time, I am giving myself the grace to grow. I am learning to communicate better, to be honest, and to embrace the full spectrum of who I am. My journey is far from over, but every step forward is a step toward healing, self-love, and a deeper understanding of myself.

What about you? Have you ever taken time to reflect on your past and how it shaped you? Are there things you wish you had understood about yourself earlier? What steps are you taking to grow and become the best version of yourself? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.