It’s been a tough week. Like, soul-exhausting tough. Every day I caught myself spiraling—checking social media, watching who’s online, especially around Jenna. My soon-to-be ex-wife. God, even writing that hurts. There’s this sick pattern I’ve fallen into: I see her name light up online, and then suddenly someone I talk to often pops on at the exact same time. Then they both go offline. And I just sit there staring, wondering: Are they talking about me? Are they talking to each other? Behind my back?

It’s such a mind trap. It makes me feel like a paranoid freak, and I hate it. I get so drained—emotionally, physically. Just to feel “safe,” I have to keep asking people to be real with me so I can let my guard down and be real with them. I feel like I’m begging for honesty, for clarity, for peace of mind. I want to trust people. I try to. But damn, my heart is scared. And it doesn’t help when they tell me, “Don’t worry, I’d never do that.” Because I do worry. Constantly.

Again, I found myself struggling to invest trust in this person because my intuition keeps screaming that they’re lying—that they are talking to Jenna. I even confronted them about it and asked if they were messaging her on IG. They said no. Straight-up no. They told me I didn’t need to worry, that they would never do something like that. And I want to believe them. I really do.

But then I saw both their names appear online—within minutes of each other. Sometimes at the same time. And it messed with my head. It really bugged me. I hate feeling this way. I hate the way my brain won’t shut up, keeps spinning stories, planting seeds of doubt. I’ve been practicing telling myself it’s not true. That my fears are lying to me. That this person is being real with me. I’ve asked them more than once. And every time, it’s no. No, never. So, I’m choosing—for now—to believe them.

Let’s wait and see…

And then there’s Jenna. I still want her in my life. I don’t even know how to say that out loud sometimes without choking on it. The truth is, there’s still so much love in me. But I know I can’t force anything. And it just… breaks me. This deep grief that keeps showing up in quiet moments. I keep asking myself how I’m supposed to heal when I still want someone who’s slipping further away.

Healing feels like a whole damn mountain. I know it’ll take time. But right now, it just feels impossible.

And it’s not just emotions I’m drowning in. There’s also real-world chaos: money stuff, dental bills, DMV crap, that never-ending checklist. I did manage to check off some things this week—I met with the bank about the car title and lien letter. But even then, I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted everything DONE, like right now. But I couldn’t. I had to tackle things one by one. And it’s frustrating. It’s like the world won’t let me catch my breath.

I know healing doesn’t happen overnight. I know I have to be patient. But man… today? I just feel tired. Really tired.